What To Say...

So my Dad passed away April 3rd, he was 53. Life hasn't really been the same ever since. At first I kind of just played it off, didn't really think about it and pretty much just joked around. Why? Well I've come to realize it was for the sake of everyone else. In all honesty that's pretty much the only topic I would like to talk about, but not everyone is willing to listen to you blabber on. Not only is it hard to find the right things to say to someone that has suffered a loss, but it's just one of those uncomfortable situations. I feel, no, I know there's a lot left for me to deal with regarding this subject but it's just not the right time and place to deal with this. I'm in Spain. I don't want to talk to anyone here about this. They don't know me. I wish I could have gotten this all out of my system while I was home but I really didn't know what I was dealing with. I honestly thought that the fact that I could smile, laugh, and crack jokes meant that God had given me peace over the situation. Not true.

On the plane back it hit me. My Dad isn't going to be waiting for me at the airport when I get back. He's not going to be coming back later in the day from work. He won't be sitting on that same spot on the couch. He isn't going to be available to answer my calls about car problems or home repairs. I can't touch his prickly beard, or his hands, or mess around with him. He's just not going to be there at all. I just turned 22, it's not supposed to be like this. What the crap!

So now I'm in this mode where I can't smile, laugh, joke around, or feel joy because I feel guilt. Guilt that I'm not over my Dad's passing but I can forget about it in order to feel these total opposite emotions. When do you get over something like this? There's not a check list that you can just go down and mark off and then you're done.

I turned 22 this past Sunday. I didn't do anything special. I usually find a way to treat myself on my birthdays but this year it just wasn't a priority. I went to bed early and cleaned up my room a little. I've reached a new stage in my life. I want to believe that I'll be able to go back to fooling around and being who I was but it's hit me that I'm growing up, there's new responsibilities coming my way. I'm the oldest in my family, that definitely has a burden to bear without my Dad, and I'm just about set to graduate from UT. I feel like I've been thrown on the fast track to maturity and adult hood. A few weeks ago I didn't think I'd ever mature. Crazy how life is.

I'm going to do my best to enjoy the rest of my time here in Europe because it's definitely what my Dad wanted me to do, and it's why I'm back. But when I get home who knows what'll be. Izzy might have to start taking steps to grow up into Israel.